Gray divorces (divórcios grisalhos)

I think that the problem with many middle-aged and older women is that we grew up believing in fairy tales, in elusive prince charmings and in the notion that we need men to make us happy. We don’t.

Yes, it would be wonderful if we all had someone in our lives with whom we were compatible and who helped us become the best versions of ourselves.  Someone that we could all learn from, lean upon during difficult times and with whom we could have deep conversations and fun.

Someone that we admired, truly liked as a person and loved with all our might. That would be beautiful. Feeling a deep connection with someone can be poetic, it makes us feel peaceful, safe and loved, and I never stopped believing in that possibility. However, I also know how rare (and fleeting) that is and that many couples end up old, gray, regretful and resentful but still remain together not because of love and admiration but for a plethora of other reasons, which run the gamut from religious beliefs and a sense of duty to fear (specifically fear of being alone and fear of the unknown.)

While some seek fairy tales of happily ever after, others (especially those who have been burnt before) are so desperate for companionship “à la carte” that they forget the ultimate truth: until they learn to be at peace in their own skin and enjoy their own company when they are alone, they will not stop feeling lonely.  Sometimes we have such a low opinion of ourselves that we seek somebody else’s love and undivided attention in order to feel validated.  We are so desperate for someone to sail into the sunset with, that we overlook and ignore certain signs and convince ourselves that love will take care of whatever differences we might now have with that other person. Love is very powerful and it can move mountains, but sometimes it is not enough to sustain a long-term caring relationship of companionship and mutual admiration.

Until that happens, we must realize that no one is going to like being with us long-term; if we get bored with ourselves, so will others. It may take a while, but eventually that will happen and we will blame routine and the daily grind instead of taking a deep look at what is really going on.

Coming to this realization is not a matter of being bitter but rather of finally getting it. Women especially need to learn that financial and emotional independence are beautiful things completely attainable on our own and that we do not need a man to make us whole. Independence gives us strength and character. While fear clips our wings, independence forces us to become invincible; and as Martha Stewart would say, “That’s a good thing.”

It’s all a question of wanting it, it’s all a matter of choice. And joy is a choice.

Acabaram-se as lágrimas.