Being anal-retentive: a curse or a blessing?

“Teresa, you’re a very smart and sweet person, but you are also very intense which at times can be off-putting to some people…and we cannot take that chance with you.”

Smart.

Sweet.

Intense.

Control freak.

Type-A personality.

Relax.

Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Nothing that I hadn’t heard before; this time, however, considering the source and what I lost as a result of my character flaws, it hurt. It stung like hell and I was up half of the night thinking of all the times I have heard these exact words, remembering all the conflicts I’ve created with others and all the pain I’ve endured and tears I’ve shed as a direct result of caring too much, of never being completely satisfied with my performance, of always wanting more for myself and others, of giving “slightly” more than a shit.

And after hours of insomnia I came to the realization that I don’t know how to be any other way. I don’t know how to relax as long as there’s work to be done; I don’t know how to function without giving my all (that applies to both work and relationships); I don’t know how to go through life feeling detached from the issues and functioning at half speed. I don’t know and I’m not sure I want to know.

I don’t mean any harm, I just want the best for everyone – myself included. I just want to go to sleep at night knowing that I tried my damnedest to prevent anything I cannot control from causing any unnecessary suffering. This is the only way I know to prevent future regrets. If something bad were to happen because of something that I did not do or did half-fast when I knew better, I would suffer unnecessarily. I am fully aware that life’s always throwing us curve balls at lightning speed, and for those, the only thing I can do is look for valuable life lessons; live, learn, and try to be better prepared next time is all I can do in those situations, so why not give 100% the rest of the time?

As I said earlier: I don’t know how to be any other way, and I’m not sure I want to be any other way. Anyone who wants me in their life will have to take me as I am. I cannot expect others to accept me as I am, any more than others can expect me to change to fit a particular mold. Even when that means losing important people and/or opportunities, as was the case yesterday.

As Popeye the sailor man so eloquently put it, “I yam what I yam what I yam.” Take it or leave it!   

I am done trying to twist myself into a human pretzel just for the sake of fitting in where I don’t belong. 

 “Despite a style that rubs most people the wrong way, their intentions and often results are at least as worthy as are those of laid-back people.”